There was a recent hubbub about Illinois gubernatorial candidate Rich Whitney’s name being misspelled as “Rich Whitey” on some electronic ballots. Originally the election board said it was too late to correct the error but now we’re being told that crews will be working overtime until it’s fixed.
I found the “mistake” to be a refreshing and unexpected and, well, hilarious bit of honesty in Illinois politics and now that it’s being corrected, I thought I’d take a look at the candidates in the Illinois gubernatorial election and the “Rich Whitey” factor for each of them.
Democratic Candidate: Pat QuinnPat Quinn is the current Governor of Illinois. He was Lieutenant Governor under Rod Blagojevich and assumed the office when Blago was indicted for his “fucking golden” moment, among other things. His occupation is listed as “tax attorney” but he’s pretty much a career politician from the Chicago area, with all the hilarious disconnect between rhetoric and reality that that implies. Rich: Probably. Don’t know for sure. At least well-off, he’s a lawyer and of course the governor’s salary would be comfortable for most people (not Rod though apparently). Whitey: Definitely |
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Republican Candidate: Bill BradyBill Brady is a State Senator from Bloomington Illinois. He is a real estate developer who owns several businesses. He enjoys pseudoscience, canine holocausts, live fetuses, dead prisoners, sick poor people and even richer rich people. In short, a textbook Republican. Rich: Absolutely. Wikipedia calls him a millionaire. May not mean what it used to but I’d say it qualifies. Whitey: Undoubtedly |
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Green Party Candidate: Rich WhitneyRich Whitney is an attorney and former socialist party member, originally from some fancy northeastern state but living and working in Carbondale these days. Like many Green Party candidates, he is for the legalization of marijuana, putting the Green in Green Party. Putting the Party in Green Party too for that matter. Rich: Possibly. Again, like most politicians, he’s a lawyer (a civil rights attorney but still) so he probably ain’t hurtin. Whitey: Excessively. |
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Libertarian Candidate: Lex GreenLex Green is an electrician, avid fisherman and American history buff from the Bloomington area. As a Libertarian, he is very concerned about the state’s budget. His answer? Less education and more casinos! Well that’ll surely mean more money for somebody. Also he says no more Medicaid for Illinois residents but I’m sure none of the 2.3 million Illinois residents enrolled in Medicaid were going to vote for him anyway, right? Rich: Doubtfully. Probably not. Works in a factory. Still, he has enough leisure time and resources to produce a fishing show, not to mention run for Governor, so he can’t be doing too badly. Whitey: Depressingly. |
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Independent Candidate: Scott Lee CohenScott Lee Cohen was the Democratic primary winner for Lieutenant Governor but decided to go his own way as an Independent Candidate after some of his colorful history started coming to light, including an arrest for domestic abuse against a girlfriend and allegations of violence and steroid use by an ex-wife. Oh and the girlfriend was arrested for prostitution. All this is pretty par-for-the-course for a south side pawnshop owner though, right? Definitely gets my vote for most hilariously inappropriate candidate, and I’m not talking about off-color stories regarding somebody pawning their jewel-encrusted false teeth. Rich: Surely. He’s a pawnbroker who has dumped a bunch of money into his own campaigns. Whitey: Profoundly. |
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This article lazily researched using Wikipedia, google searches, and the candidates’ own web sites. It should not be construed as supporting any candidate over the others as I tried to find equally shitty things to say about each of them. If you have a problem with my characterization of any candidate here, give me a damn break, it’s a stupid joke article on a web site that nobody ever visits.
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